Blog Orloff

An Unconventional Web Journal

I HEART THE DUCKMAN

Posted on August 28th, 2014

duckie_pretty_in_Pink-24065575777-204x300My Duckie,

Where have you been for the last 28 years? I miss you terribly.  And I want you back so badly.  I think about you all the time.  Your laugh, your charm, your wit, those shoes: no one compares.

I’ve seen you around.  Here and there.  There was that little date with Andy Richter and the small outing with Seth McFarlane.  I’ve noticed.  I’ve also seen that you’ve had a lot of trivial relationships.  There was Teddy Z., Vic Del Ray, Zack Mango…I don’t think I need to go on.

What hurts the most is that you insist on this superficial relationship with that silly man, Chuck Lorre.  Inconceivable!  He’s so ridiculous, and banal, and idiotic.  I’m sure he’s quite a lovely person, but deep down, you know all too well that he’s no match for you. You want more.  You need more.  You never need to resort to the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.

Really, I can’t stand watching you in “Two and a Half Men.” It’s heartbreaking.  You may be one of the highest paid television actors of all time, but money isn’t everything.  You’re the guy who tore down the prom committee banner and made out with Annie Potts!  God, you’re so much more than Chuck could ever comprehend.  He doesn’t bring out the best in you.  He’s made you insipid and vapid, when you aren’t either of those things.  And bringing in Ashton Kutcher like that?  Come on, nobody puts Duckie in a corner!  You’re the leading man.  I keep on telling you that.  You deserve the whole spotlight.

Do you ever think about how it used to be?  I mean, do you miss John Hughes as much as I do?  Do you ever think about what the two of you created together?  It kills me to think that maybe you’ve already forgotten.  There was so much chemistry there.  He trusted your instincts and supported your vision.  And you did the same for him.  You two had something real; some kind of wonderful that only the two of you shared.

Seriously.  Remember how you only had to look at one another and you just knew what the other was thinking?  Telepathic.  And you had the same sense of humor. You always had each other laughing and smiling and you could just see in his eyes how he felt about you.  You complemented each other; you were both at your very best when you were together.  Remember the time you lip-synched Otis Redding? Or the time you beat the shit out of James Spader?  Just the way you walked down that high school hall: there was never any fear or anxiety about just being yourself.  That’s so rare Duckie, it’s so rare to find that kind of connection with someone.  I mean, life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.

Aren’t you afraid of never feeling the rest of your whole life the way you felt when you were with him?  That’s why I don’t understand what you’re doing now.  Surely, you can’t be serious? Okay, you’re making more money than you possibly need, but don’t you want more than this one-dimensional, immature relationship you’re in?  Stop trying to sell something so processed.  You don’t need to hide under the mindless jokes and the silly laugh track, and all those people telling you how cute you are with Chuck, because if you take all those things away, you are still perfect.  You’ll always be The Duckman.

Duckie, I need you now, like I need you then.  So please, take on something that is worthy of everything you have to offer.  Build something with someone who will help you be everything you can.  You’ve got to, you’ve got to say you will.

Always Yours, Petra Lina