It is the first week after the New Year and thousands of resolutionists have invaded gyms across the country in a bold attempt to seize control of their own fitness regimes. Few will succeed.
The following exists as a primer which may aid in their success.
- Do not spend large amounts of money on new fitness clothing. Gym outfits, especially pink gym outfits, scream “resolutionist.”
- Spitting in the drinking fountain is not an indicator of masculinity.
- Gym benches are not for resting.
- Do not perform indiscreet demonstrations of vigor. Flexing in the mirror, push-ups in odd locations (the pool deck, the parking lot), and general swaggering do not intimidate other gym goers, nor do they contribute to your potential success in attracting a romantic partner. No one is actually paying attention to you.
- Contrary to popular belief, wearing a cropped top does not de-emphasize your gut.
- In the same vein, spandex is not a type of camouflage.
- If you eat large quantities of garlic, stay at home and continue your fitness campaign in private.
- Excessive celebration is discouraged. Do not attempt to engage fellow gym goers in a high-five after you experience fitness success.
- Do not attempt to speak to people wearing headphones. This type of headgear suggests that one cannot, or more accurately, does not, want to hear you.
- Sweating in the sauna is not considered exercise.
- Lingering aimlessly on a machine, loudly chatting in your cell phone is stupid. Plus, sweating all over your phone is unhygienic.
- Refrain from texting. You will most likely walk into someone who is at the gym to work out. Side note: if you are over 25, you should refrain from texting at all times.
- You will not lose those stubborn 90 pounds by attending yoga class.
- If you cannot swim, abstain from using the lap pool. You cannot achieve fitness success by floating around the lane and occasionally moving your arms.
- Jeans are not a suitable form of exercise clothing, especially cut-off jeans.
- Excessive grunting while doing any exercise is stupid.
- The time you spend in the locker room applying makeup and styling your hair before you work out could be more usefully applied to actually working out.
- Only time spent at the gym exercising contributes to fitness. This precludes standing around and chatting, lounging in the spa, hanging out at the juice bar, or haggling with the administration over your gym membership rates.