Blog Orloff

An Unconventional Web Journal


Posted on March 15th, 2015



As Susan Lynne, one of my excellent friends notes, anyone who texts this question is just begging to be told, “Having fun! Hope you are too!”  Undisputedly, the idiots who ask you this deserve to know that your life is far more exciting than theirs.

So, stop the inquisition.  Unless one is engaged in some theatrically dramatic activity which defies any rational explanation, like Bruce Jenner, this question is simply superfluous.  Technology and social media were seemingly created to help streamline the ways in which we share information, so for god’s sake man, don’t use it to ask me stupid questions.  Let’s just be clear: no one has time for your passive Millennial Mason Jar bullshit.  Your generation has made it infinitely impossible for me to look at a clean shaven man, or order a Fuzzy Navel or a Pink Squirrel without a grimace from the bartender because he wants to craft my cocktail.  Be clear people!  If you’d like to make plans with me, ask me to make plans.  If you’d like to chitty-chitty chat-chat the night away via text, ask me if I’m bored enough to stare into my phone screen for the rest of the evening.  If you only want to pry, then please, just stay away all together.

However, if you insist, and you most likely will, you should know that if I’m not too busy engaging in the real world (read: watching Turner Classic Movies), I may reply with any, or all, of the following.

“I’m on the phone with my Sherpa, planning the next Everest ascent! Whoot, whoot!”

“Hey there, doing my daily fundraising for Siberian orphans.”

‘Tweaking this awesome world peace app I just developed.”

“Can’t talk, at a paintball party!!”

“Bonjour! Just in the middle of a Grand Tour of Europe!”

“Hi you, rereading Moby Dick.”

“No time! I’m killing Farm Heroes level 270 right now!”

“Feeling great! Just finished an Ironman!”

“OMG!! At a totes incredible party!! What about you?”

“Not much, just knitting sweaters for stray kittens.”

“Training for the Zombie Apocalypse.”

“Hey! Super busy right now, making soup for the homeless.”

“Hiiyee! the usual, composting, recycling, repurposing, reclaiming, restoring, upcycling…”

“Hi! Working on the last sentence of my latest novel.”

“You know, taking super hot duck face selfies.”

“Answering your stupid ass texts.”